Germans Now Denying the Holocaust Telepathically, Say Jews
satire by Michael James
GERMANY’S Central Council of Jews (ZJD) has demanded “immediate government action” in response to unsettling findings published in its quarterly social trends report, Virulent Anti-Semitism in Germany Today.
The report highlights a worrying increase in anti-Semitic sentiment and, more sensationally, the dissemination of holocaust denial “by means of telepathy.”
“It’s very frightening and something I cannot ignore given my horrific ordeal in Auschwitz, which I miraculously survived by hiding in a chimney until the camp was liberated,” says the ZJD’s president, Charlotte Knobloch, who spearheaded one of the first Jewish efforts to censor YouTube. [link]
“Our own success in determining what constitutes suitable viewing for Internet users in Germany has forced us to imagine alternative scenarios available to young people who don’t trust what the government or their teachers are telling them.”
“Never underestimate the power of the Jewish imagination,” she adds.
In Germany, anyone who expresses anti-Semitic sentiments or who queries the holocaust by pointing to pre-war and post-war Jewish population statistics or anomalies in the historical record faces a prison sentence of up to five years.
The law, however, is unclear on the issue of telepathically communicated anti-Semitism and holocaust denial.
“We know they’re doing it,” says Stephan Kramer, General Secretary of the ZJD. “They are evading punishment by spreading anti-Semitic propaganda and denying the holocaust without writing a word or moving their lips.”
Kramer has dispatched teams of undercover Hassidic telepaths and kosher ‘sensitives’ to intercept telepathic communications in scores of public and semi-public places where unguarded expressions of opinion may occur. His aim is to establish the scale of the problem, though he admits that telepathically communicated holocaust denial is hard to prove.
“But only empirically,” he explains. “Proof is an obsession of those unable to conceive of the truth. In the wrong hands, proof, or a lack of proof, can be misused to establish certain facts incompatible with the truth. Not all facts are factual. What do you want? Another holocaust?”
The German government, anxious to reassure the Jewish community, has moved swiftly to calm fears by allocating six million euros in research grants to the ZJD’s hospitality and personal leisure expenses budget.
“We are doing everything we can to eradicate the scourge of anti-Semitism in Germany and the European Union,” a government spokesman told IFPN. “The government takes very seriously reports that certain extremist elements in our society are engaged in telepathic holocaust denial and we are monitoring the situation closely.”
But official assurances came too late for Israeli tourists Shmuel Linsky and his wife, Diane.
“Just the other day I saw a very relaxed German couple with their children spending our reparations money on ice-cream and hot dogs,” says Shmuel scornfully. “They were deliberately and maliciously acting in a way that suggested they were proud to be German, without any sense of shame or guilt. I suddenly felt very threatened by this kind of unspoken anti-Semitism and was overwhelmed by the urge to radio an Israeli F-16 fighter bomber.”
Diane Linsky nods her head in pained agreement. They had decided on an impromptu vacation in Germany after watching Angela Merkel on television deliver an impassioned speech to Israel’s parliament, the Knesset.
“Mrs Merkel said that Germans would do everything they could to help Israel and protect the Jewish people from anti-Semitism,” she says, her voice cracking. “But when we got here we found we had to pay for our own hotel accommodation and none of the restaurants will let us eat for free, even though we’re Jews and have a long and unique history of suffering.”
Shmuel too is overcome by emotion, hardly able to speak. “It’s been humiliating. Even the waiters expect a tip, reminding me of my horrific ordeal in Auschwitz, which I miraculously survived by hiding in a chimney until the camp was liberated,” the 36-year-old Mr Linsky adds bitterly.
The Linskys say they had been made to feel “persecuted” and intend to file a claim for compensation. “In fact, we sued before we came out here,” says Diane. “Our lawyer in Tel Aviv was offering special terms and a 30 percent discount.”
Critics however have blasted the report as “hysterical,” “irresponsible” and “paranoid.”
“Given the long history of hereditary mental illness among people of Jewish descent, I would be inclined to treat reports of telepathically communicated anti-Semitism and holocaust denial with extreme caution,” a leading professor of evolutionary psychiatry told IFPN on condition of anonymity.
“The Jews have a propensity for telling tall stories and a tendency to exaggerate things they hear, or think they hear. Before taking this much further, the German government would be well-advised to read the wealth of medical literature made available over the past 200 years by Jewish physicians themselves, much of which focuses on the very high percentage of dangerous psychotic illnesses and psychopathological disorders found among Ashkenazi Jews. A good starting point would be the Disability Studies Quarterly, Volume 27, No. 4, published in 2007. [link]
“Even their top religious people admit they’re nuts. Rabbis Eric Weiss and Nathaniel Ezray have said that ‘mental illness is a Jewish issue’ and point to the findings of geneticists at John Hopkins University who have identified a high incidence of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder among Ashkenazi Jews. Many suffer from an autosomal recessive trait that goes back thousands of years and which manifests as congenital lying, delusional behaviour and paranoia. [link]
“Unfortunately, instead of being treated in high-security psychiatric hospitals, many of these mentally ill, psychopathic Jews seem to thrive in positions of leadership, spanning the worlds of international finance, the media, academia, law and politics, not only in Europe and Israel, of course, but also in North America and elsewhere.
“We need to ask ourselves why they’ve been expelled from 109 locations around the world since the middle of the third century, and why we’re allowing them to repeat the cycle over and over again, harming not only themselves but everyone else. [link]
“I know it’s not a very politically correct thing to articulate,” the professor concludes, “but when it comes to Jews and some of the ludicrous things they say, I’m afraid we’re dealing with some very sick puppies.”
Charlotte Knobloch strongly disagrees. Jews have never harmed anyone, she says.
“The fact that the Jewish people have been expelled 109 times doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the Jewish people or that they are in any way disruptive or insane,” she insists. “On the contrary, all of those countries, for no real identifiable reason, experienced periods of anti-Semitic mass insanity, which spontaneously disappeared the moment we were gone.”
Meanwhile, as news broke that over a hundred stone-throwing Palestinian children had been killed or maimed by Israeli F-16 fighters, the Linskys arrived back in Tel Aviv to an emotional family reception.
Shmuel’s great uncle, Rabbi Dov Bronstein, hugs his relative and can hardly contain his tears: “Even though I was born and raised in New Jersey and never set foot in Europe, I will never forget my horrific ordeal in Auschwitz, which I miraculously survived by hiding in a chimney until the camp was liberated.”
“It’s so good to be home,” says a visibly relieved Diane Linsky. “We flew Lufthansa and we just knew the German pilots and air hostesses were telepathically denying the holocaust and sharing anti-Semitic thoughts with some of the European passengers… and they were saying, like, you know, ‘Let’s dump those lying Jews out over the Mediterranean.’”
Lufthansa has promised to investigate the allegations.
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