Viking Grievances

by Tim Murray

NEWS ITEM: The Vikings travelled much farther in North America than previously thought.

On this basis I am prepared to file a land claim. I am, on my mother’s side, descended from Vikings and can trace my lineage back to the 10th century. I will demand compensation from the government of Canada for the theft of my ancestors’ land and their displacement by aboriginals. It is from the former whom I will expect a formal apology.

I will also demand federal funding so that those like me can be taught in our own schools, re-introduced to our former language. A national Viking Day would also be in order, along with a federally assisted Viking TV channel as part of every cable or satellite TV package.

Moreover, rather than base my self-esteem on actual accomplishments, I will draw vicarious pride in the accomplishments of my ancestors. Accomplishments which can be inflated by bogus history. No longer will I have to work to develop self-esteem. Nordic History Studies profs and teachers will give it to me. In fact, I will expect to get an award for just attending classes. A certificate to prove that I am worth something.

As any social worker, or mental health professional or apologist schooled in the fine art of cultural relativism and Boasian anthropology will tell you, lack of self-esteem accounts for my total lack of ambition, my substance abuse and my history of domestic assaults. And it is all down to you. I can forever attribute any of my failings to the “legacy” of my people being driven from this continent or wiped out by raiding parties of ‘First Nations’ and ‘Native Americans’. I accept no responsibility for my failure to make something of myself.

Furthermore, History and Social Studies textbooks will have to be revised to teach our school children that the Vikings built this country, that it was taken from the Vikings, and that present day Canadians and their descendants should feel eternally guilty about it. A Truth and Reconciliation Commission would be in order, plus a Royal Commission on Missing Viking Women raped, butchered or enslaved by attacking Aboriginal men.

Each Canadian University will be compelled to establish a “Traditional Viking Ecological Knowledge” Department that will promote the idea that knowledge that cannot be verified by the scientific method shall receive equal status with scientific knowledge — Viking oral history shall trump any data that emanates from satellite imagery. It will furthermore be understood that Viking “ways of knowing” are just as valid as scientific methodology. In other words, there is Canadian science and Viking ‘science’. How dare any non-Viking have the arrogance to think that his world view is superior to mine. You may believe that we can expect thunder tonight on the basis of what a meteorologist told you, but I know that it will be because my god Thor is making a statement. Respect that.

Should anything more be required from government, I will dress in traditional Viking garb, chant and beat a drum outside Parliament, or at any pipeline hearing. Those who refuse to genuflect to my ethnic heritage or be struck with awe when I appear in costume will be publicly shamed and hounded from office. A Human Rights complaint will also be launched. Win or lose, you will pick up the tab for my legal costs.

I am serving you notice.

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Source: Council of European Canadians