Classic EssaysRevilo P. Oliver

High-Speed Holiness

by Revilo P. Oliver

IF YOU ARE A Christian — well, if you are, I can’t imagine why you are reading Liberty Bell unless you have a touch of the masochism celebrated in the tales about martyrs, but whatever your reason, you must be secure in an unsinkable Faith, so I will bring you tidings of great joy.

You no longer have to strain your eyes and police your mind while reading your favorite book. An electronic miracle, doubtless inspired by Jesus or his dad, now will enable you to get instructions right from the boss in the twinkling of an eye. It is a wonderful device that might fit into a pocket of your coat and would certainly go into any woman’s handbag. It is a little larger than your hand and is illustrated in the catalogue I have before me, where two pages of lyrical, but disjointed and sometimes solecistic, prose assure you that it will give you “instant insight and understanding” of all the problems of human life by “unleashing [sic] a vast wealth of timeless knowledge” that you can, “with the speed of a microchip” and just by touching a button, “effortlessly…integrate [sic] into your everyday life.”

In the Electronic Bible the entire text of your Holy Book is recorded on a disk, and by using a tiny keyboard, you can bring up on the screen any passage you want or, by stating a subject, every passage that pertains to the word you have entered. You can get instantly “authoritative information” on (believe it or not!) “psychology… history, cultural anthropology, music, literature, communication, and even law”!

The vendor promises that since “we live in a Judeo-Christian society” [yes, that’s the Hell of it!] in which everything is “based firmly on the Bible,” the godly machine will answer all your questions and solve all your problems about family life, your business activities, and your environment, to say nothing of giving you “immense [sic] knowledge about human values, ethics, philosophy, and more.”

So here, dear Christian, is your chance to start for Heaven on an express train, and while you relax in cushioned comfort, all your thinking will be done for you. Rush a cheque for $249.00 + $6.00 postage to DAK (Drew Alan Kaplan) Industries, 8200 Remmet Avenue, Canoga Park, California (91304).

The machine will mark and save favorite passages for you, do arithmetical calculations, and even act as an alarm clock. So send your cheque right away as an earnest of your pious Faith. Jesus will love you for it. So will the manufacturer.

* * *

Source: Liberty Bell magazine, August 1991

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2 Comments

  1. JimB
    December 11, 2017 at 6:10 am — Reply

    Ha-ha!

  2. Frank Impudicus
    December 15, 2017 at 2:20 am — Reply

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